Heyy

Well today is october 30th, and I feel as fat as ever.
It's actually really bad today.
All I had was a medium latte and I gained a pound.
When I got home I was 195.0
I was so pissed, I made myself the fattiest sandwich.
It must have been 600 cals.
So so far I've had 800 cals.
Luckily I purged some of the sandwich... but we wont
know the damage until tomorrow.
At least my dad is going out tonight so I can hop on
the treadmill and work some of it off.
I want to burn 600 cals...

Today I'm supposed to be 193... ugh!!
maybe by tonight I will be at least 194.
I'm sick of being fat and I want to be beautiful.

Well tomorrow, I'm going with my friend taylor to this
russian party where she wants to do E and play
russian ruilette.
She's a retard!!

So me and emily are leaving early before we start
seeing people die...

We're going over to April's house to smoke some weed
and just chillin to about 3am with some guys. It's going
to be a lot cooler then russian ruilette with randoms.

Anyways, I'll be back for an update on my weight in
a bit!!
Hopefully I can get back down to 194 by tonight.

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

I'm Back...

My stomach feels like a gurgling mess of nasty...
I don't know what's wrong with me but I feel
disgusting; sickish.
Well it's 10:00, back from my dinner and drive and
I feel as fat as a... idk... elephant.
My goal for today was 194... and I'm like 196...
Let's see how much I've put on since before dinner.

Uhm... this is really weird... but I'm at 194.8...
after eating (well i did purge it all when I got home).
But wow...
I'm shocked...
I need to go check that again...

194.6 ...
maybe if i wait another 10 minutes i will be at 194.4
haha.
i wish!!

anyways...
talk to you all later.

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

Whatever...

I'm still at 196.0 today.
I haven't even had dinner yet because my parents
want to go out. So that's already a garentee of 500 cals.
Plus I already had a cookie and a pack of mike and Ike's
for lunch today.

That's about 9oo cals today and I gained weight from
last night. 0.2 of a pound might not seem very much,
but when you're fighting to loose 80 pounds, every bit
helps.

Plus I'm already on my second coke zero and I have one
more here in case I get weak.

My clothes were starting to get loose... My mom was
already talking about going on a shopping spree with me.
And now I've put the weight back on?
I dont fucking want FAT CLOTHES!!

I'm not allowed to go shopping until I am in the 170's.
That will be forever now that I'm a fat pig who can't
stop eating....

Fuck My Life

-Sam;;
-PeaceEZ

YES!!!

I reached my goal for today!!
195.8!!!

I'm on track, as long as I am lower then 195.8 when
I wake up tomorrow morning, then I will be able
to lose a pound by the time I get home.
194 baby!!

Let's hope everything works out tomorrow!! I need a
coke zero for lunch so I don't slip up and eat like i did
today. It is fine arts day tomorrow, so I do get to dress
down and there are no classes.
My jacket is already a lot looser then it was a couple
months ago!!
I can also fit into my ski jacket again!
My goal is to fit into these pants I bought 2 summers
ago!

Wish me luck!!

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

Maybe...

So I watched almost all of 90210, but I had to
leave to go driving before it got too dark.
Too late though, it was pitch black outside
at fucking quater to seven.
I freaked out a few times but in the end it didn't
go too bad.

When I got home, i hopped on the scale and I
was down to 196.0.
So maybe by the time I go to bed tonight, I'll be
195.8.
I'd be content with that.

That way I'd be somewhat on track. I just want to
be 192 by friday.
193 would be acceptable... but this would be better.

TIME FOR THINSPO!

there's this fat chick on youtube who is trying to
lose weight the "healthy" way, but claims that she
can healthily lose 7 pounds in 7 days.
I guess it depends on how she does it, but it doesn't
seem to healthy to me.

Not that my way is healthy, but it's too late for me.
Whatever.

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

P.S. I'll come back and tell you if I get to 195 in 2 hours.
lol

Massive Fuck Up!

So this morning I woke up and i weighed 196.6...
Down 0.2 from yesterday.

Today I had a sandwich that my friend made me eat.
it was probably 500 cals...

And now I'm eating these cookies my mom bought me.
100 times 3

So far today, I've had 800 cals...

wow...

lets go purge these cookies and see what I'm at.
200? ....

yep. 197...
and now i have to go eat with my family....
wonderfull...
lets see how well i do after that.

199.8 after eating...
which was probably 500 cals.

Now I'm back to 196.6 after purgeing but if i were on my
schedule I would be 195.
It's not going to work, is it?

1300 cals today...
if i dont eat more. which i probably will because im a fat fuck.

Fuck!! Why can't I just stop eating?!
I hate myself.

Goal For Halloween

So was invited to two parties on friday for halloween.
One seem's pretty sketch, because I don't know many
of the people going and the other is filled with lame
kids who think if they drink more they will be cooler.
I don't want to just sit at home and rot, I wanna go out
and do something.

Last Time I Checked I Was At 196.8 lbs.
My goal for friday is 92 lbs.
That means I have to lose 4 lbs in 4 days.

I've never been able to lose a pound a day for a whole
week. Generally I lose a pound one day, then don't lose
anything the next.
Of course then I go out on the weekends and stuff my
fat face full of the most disgusting food ever.

The key to success is not eating past 6pm at the latest.
5pm would be more perferable.

Other blogging Ana/Mia followers say to use laxitives or
milk of magnesia. I'm a little worried about useing them.
I don't want to get hooked and purgeing is dangerouse
enough.

It's Just... I want to lose 5 pounds every 7 days and i
don't even know if that is possible. I haven't seen my
ex-boyfriend/ex-best friend in like 2 months and i
want to show up to his birthday party in december
looking a lot skinnier.

My goal for his birthday is 167 and he's throwing it on the
6th of december. At the least I want to be in the 170ies,
but i want to be skinnier.
Then I can go shopping for awesome sexy clothes and show
off to that idiot that i dumped him for a reason...
I'm way to cool for him.

But right now, I'm not.
I'm fat.
196.8 ...
I've lost 24 pounds.
I want to lose 63 by his party and I will do it!!
Goal Weight: 110.

I haven't been ana or mia through a christmas season before
so I don't know what will happen.
The most I will alow myself to put on is 5lbs.
Anymore and I might aswell be 220 again.
But lets say I stay as 160 through december onto january...
then i get serious again...
i could be 110 by March 20th 2009.
That's like 5 months.

I don't know if this pound-a-day thing will work though.
If it does, I'll tell you!

hopefully I'm 195 tomorrow!!!

oh btw, i hear your body only starts eating it's fat every
12 hours...
So that means you have to be starved for 12 hours in order
for your body to eat itself.

THAT is why i dont eat in the morning.

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

In The End...

Before I was talking about the fact I was having issues with
my friends, well I talked to them on sunday and they agreed
they would do what they could to make it better between us.
This time I hope things change, I don't know if I can handle
going through all the pointless drama again.
[Damn, I'm fuckin thristy;; water, no calories]

Sunday I chilled with the two of them because it was one of
their birthdays. She wanted to get her navel peirced, and of
course, she didn't tell her parents. Luckily she didn't chicken
out and she ended up getting it done. Afterwards we went for
MCDONALDS!! Of all the fast food places they could have
chosen, they had to pick the most disgustingly fatty and greasy.
I was proud of myself though, I managed to walk out of there
only having had a medium diet coke [NO CALS WOOT!].
Although, i thought I was safe for food for the rest of the day,
but of course our bus had left before we got there and they had
to go to a fucking chocolate bar.
Cakes... Tarts... Coffees... Truffles... Bars... CHOCOLATE
EVERYWHERE.
So obviously I couldn't get out of this one, and I ended up having
one truffle. So that's about as much chocolate as the top digit
on your thumb, luckily.

Sometimes I think my friends know my problem and they are just
trying to taunt me. Thankfully they dont know, though! For now...

How much longer do I have till everyone finds out...
How did I get into this? How did I let myself get to this level?
I check the scale like 10 times a day...

It's sick.
I can't enjoy myself.
I can't live.

If anyone out there wants to get into bulimia or anorexia... DONT!
You have NO idea what you are getting into.

I got into it thinking that I would be able to control it but I was
WRONG!

One day, I'll get so sick that they send me to the hospital and they
lock me up until I lose the habit/illness.
Until then...

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

We'll See

So today is monday, and for some reason i always have the
hardest time keeping my calories down at the start of the
work week.
I was sick today so I came home from school and, feeling weak,
made myself...
2 peices of chicken 272 cals
3 fried eggs 270 cals
pomegranates 105 cals
skim milk 91 cals

Luckily I was home so I had time to purge some of it, but of course,
you only get like the last food you eat up. The rest are digested.
So already I had 732 cals
Then I was doing okay until my dad came home with dumplings...
Then I really fucked up.

Dumplings 500 cals
Salad [lettuce and spices] 50 cals
Cheerios 100 cals
skim milk 91 cals

In total today I had 1473 cals in total.
473 CALORIES OVER NORMAL DIET!!!
At least it's only 5pm and i have 6 hours to burn it off before i
go to sleep.

Currently I'm sitting at 196.6 down from 199 last time I wrote
in my blog. BUT i took that right after i had eaten dinner, so
if i check right now [im going to go check] i bet i'll be back up to
197.
Yep... I'm 196.8... I'm already paying for all of that food.

I wish I could just be happy with myself like I used to be.
I used to be happy and fat and loving life, but now...
I want to be skinny and 110 pounds.
Fuck!!

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

Major Mess Up!!

So today i chilled with some new people, not my retard friends.
It was freaking sickk.
We went to go see high school musical 3, WOOT!
THAT was awesome!!
Everything was going perfect for me, then...

I had a pumpkin spice latte.
Then FOUR peices of pizza.
Wow, i fucked up big time.
Of course it wouldn't come up when i tried to get rid of it.

200 cals for latte.
200 cals for pizza TIMES FOUR!

1000 cals.
WOW SAM!! MAJOR FUCK UP!

when i got home my weight was still 199, but by tomorrow it's probs gunna be like 220 again.
FUCKK.

Tomorrow I can't Eat Anything.

Luckily tonight i get to see my best friend who lives in montreal (he's visiting!).
I love him so much! I'm so stoked. I haven't seen him since febuary.
Then tomorrow I'm going to screamfest with a whole bunch of new kids.
And sunday I'm chilling with my old friends... ugh... let's hope there's no drama.
Hopefully I will be like 195 by next friday. That's my goal.
Wish me luck.

xox

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

Random Rant

My Mood: Angry
Nail Colour: Blue&Red
Music: Family Force 5
Food: Never.

Right now I am furious at everyone in my life.

1. My parents are annoying idiots who don't know a thing about me and attempt to shelter me too much. NEWS FLASH: I've seen the world and I don't like it. They think I'm a little girl [not so little ugh] who studies hard and sits there and doesn't put a toe out of line. Open Your Eyes Parents.
2. My retarded "friends" at school. They sit around in a group, gossiping and talking about guys. I'm fucking 16. Guys and gossip are not the only intrests in my life. They don't even notice that i'm not eating and they don't care that i have cuts on my arms. Everyday they come up to my locker and start talking about the most pointless shit i dont want to hear about. NEWS FLASH: if you're going to sit there and only talk about the most conceded things, then I'm in the market for new friends. Luckily, a couple of new people have asked me to chill tomorrow so I'll be able to get some of sanity back.
3. The world. Do I have to say anymore about this one? No one cares about each other anymore. Have you seen the divorce rates? Have you seen all the violence? What happened to morals? I just don't know anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just want someone to be there for me no matter what. I want someone to know all my secrets and swear to keep them safe. I want someone who isn't obsessed with trying to be cool, and is obsessed with being theirself. Why can't I just be happy?

Life is too complicated.

Maybe when I'm skinny I'll be happy...

-Sam;;

PeaceEZ

Goals

For the last 3 years I have been living with the realisation that I've got Bipolar Disorder ...
Even more recently I've picked up an even more dangerous mental illness; bulimia...

I actually don't care what all of you out there think, unless you are willing to support me...

I've left my comments open so anyone can post absolutely anything...

Unless you've lived with the illnesses you will never trully understand it...

Bulimia is more then just bingeing and purgeing to lose weight,it's about

control.

...

...

...

Currently I am 199 pounds; yeah, i know it's horribly disgusting.

My goal weight is 110 pounds; but I'm content with anything lower

then my weight now.

When I started this dreadful journey into mia's harsh grasp, I was

sitting at 220 pounds.

21 pounds lost... 89 left to go.

Today I fucked up in more ways then one...

In the end, i managed to eat 1950 calories. Normal people eat that much.

Of course, i did purge up most of it, but how successful is it at getting rid of calories?

In the end, as long as i don't gain, I'm happy.

-Sam;;

PeaceEZ