Hey Hey Hey

Back Again. Still feeling worthless.
God, i look at myself in the mirror and I want to cry.
fuck i hate it.

im just about to go check how much i weigh now.
hold on...
im 173.6lbs

Slowly losing... not fast enough.
I hate myself. soo much.

HEYY!!

It's been such a long time!!
I've been a pretty huge failure as well. Honestly, i should be so much lighter then i am right now, but im not.
When I got home today i was at 175.6lbs.
Then I went and had 3 peices of bread, a bowl of curry, and 2 ginger ales.
That's 940 calories right there. god.
i feel like such a pig.

Disapointed...

Well I got to a new low... 182.8, but im so disapointed.
I've been at this weight for 2 days and it hasn't changed. As well, everytime I step onto the scale it shows something like "182.8" then "182.2" then "183.2" then "182.6" then "183.0" ...
I have no idea which one I really am. It's killing me!!
I want a straight answer from the fucking machine.
I hate being so fucking obsessed with this.

I'm back...

Well I know I haven't been on here in awhile, but that's because I was soo embarressed. This weekend I ate like a cow and gained all my weight back. Sunday night I weighed myself and I was at 192.2 again. I was soo mad!! Then monday I didn't make it any better and I still ate a lot but I ended up loseing a pound. Well... today I weighed myself and I'm at 186.6. That's a good number, but I've never gotten passed 185.0... I was really hoping I could finish the week with 184. Tomorrow I'm chilling with my friends all day, so I doubt I can stay away from food. I just dont know what I'd do if I am stuck this fat forever.
Hopefully the only thing I have tomorrow is a latte and maybe a small treat.
I just wish I could be one of the pretty girls that can eat whatever they want and not get fat because of it. I've never been skinny in my life and until recently, I was considered "obese" by modern society which fucking grosses me out.
Now I'm just overweight... overweight and practically a whale.
I don't know what to do, I just want to be happy and beautiful.
It's not like I've never had a boyfriend before, I've actually had 4, but I don't want to be some guys fat pity date anymore. I mean, i doubt they thought that of me, but I felt like it...
I will get there!
My Goal; 120... 66.6 pounds left.
I can do it!!

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

School Again

I found out today that one of my friends knows I have an ED. I didn't tell her I know, but im so pissed off. She keeps bringing up little hints when im around her like today in bio. We were learning about the digestion system and we learnt about the stomach's sphincter's and she turned to me and said "that's the valve that opens to let your food come up if your bulimic." When I laughed and told her "that was random" she gave me a sad face and faced forward again. There's only one good thing about this, its the fact she noticed I was skinnier!!
That reminds me, I'm back down to 187.8!! On sunday, I was back up to 192.8, so that means I lost 5 pounds in 2 days!! The problem is, this only lasts for about a couple days then im going to have to eat something and keep it in my stomach. The best way to loss weight is to keep mixing up your caloric intake. It confuses your metabolism and keeps it working well.
The amazing thing about all of this is that I've been bingeing both today and yesterday on a lot of foods like lasagna, cookies, hot chocolate, ice cream, sandwiches ect., and I was able to get it all up. What I usually do is go to school, not eat any breakfast, don't take any money or food, come home, check my weight, binge on what ever crap is in the house, purge it, then I check my weight again till im exactly where I started or lighter.
I just wish my friend didn't know, they're are always on my case about my problems and I hate talking to people about them. It's weird but I only like talking to strangers about it; I don't understand myself sometimes.
I know no one reads this blog, but I like to pretend I'm talking to someone who feels like they are alone and are suffering the same thing that I am.
Trust me, it's easier writing everything down, it makes it so much more handleable. I also feel like when I'm reading other Pro-Ana/Mia blogs that it's easier to keep the food in the kitchen...
Well, cheers!!

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ

Boxing Day In Canada

Well as you can see it's boxing day in canada. What does that mean?! It means I made it through christmas alive; barely. I've gained 5 pounds over the christmas season so far and it isn't even over. As well, i weighed myself right before I ate dinner and endulged on a whole box of chocolates without purging. Disgusting, right?
Well currently I'm at 190.8 ... or that's what it said last time I checked. Luckily I have a work out tomorrow and I ski on sunday.
Maybe... Just Maybe... I can be back in the 80ies by the time I go shopping on tuesday...
hopefully.
I'm such a disgrace.
I hate the holidays.
Thankfully we are going back on the cabbage soup diet when school starts up again.
That way I can be one step closer to reaching my second goal; the 60ies.
Anyways,
Happy Holidays.
xxoo

Sam;;
-PeaceEZ

So...

Well the last time i weighed myself I was at 188.6 ...
it's an improvement, although...

tomorrow I'm getting my hair extensions. I'm sooo
excited except for the fact it's going to make me gain
a whole bunch of weight.
I'm going to be back in the 90ies... and it took me
forever to get out of them...

I know.. I know.. it's not real body fat, but i just hate
the way that big fat "9" looks.

Fuck, maybe i might be in the 200's again.
I doubt it weighs 12 pounds tho.
I just hate seeing those little digits showing me big
numbers.

I'm trying so hard to be 100% excited for this hair,
but all i can think of is gaining weight...
I hate how fat i am.

i just need to stay strong.

-Sam;;
PeaceEZ